Oh The Places You Will Go

Goodbye Blog?

2010-09-02T14:54:00.000-07:00

The last few days I've had several ideas of things I wanted to blog about...and then I realized I didn't really feel like it..and these things I want to talk about...I'd rather just talk to someone about them. Maybe it's because I make Derek listen to everything I'm thinking about and I don't need my blog anymore to listen to me. Anyway. Goodbye blog...for now. :] We'll see what happens. Maybe I'll come back soon.

What Love means to a 4-8 year old.

2010-07-26T14:11:00.000-07:00

I was thinking about closing my blog, but this was enough to change my mind...maybe I should just get a tumblr to post such random things. I read this a LONG time ago, but just came across it again. After a day of fighting and making up with Derek this was a good reminder about Love

A group of professional people posed this question to a group of 4 to 8 year-olds, "What does love mean?" The answers they got were broader and deeper than anyone could have imagined. See what you think:

"When my grandmother got arthritis, she couldn't bend over and paint her toenails any more. So my grandfather does it for her all the time, even when his hands got arthritis too. That's love."

Rebecca- age 8

"When someone loves you, the way they say your name is different. You just know that your name is safe in their mouth."

Billy - age 4

"Love is when a girl puts on perfume and a boy puts on shaving cologne and they go out and smell each other."

Karl - age 5

"Love is when you go out to eat and give somebody most of your French fries without making them give you any of theirs."

Chrissy - age 6

"Love is what makes you smile when you're tired."

Terri - age 4

"Love is when my mommy makes coffee for my daddy and she takes a sip before giving it to him, to make sure the taste is OK."

Danny - age 7

"Love is when you kiss all the time. Then when you get tired of kissing, you still want to be together and you talk more. My Mommy and Daddy are like that. They look gross when they kiss"

Emily - age 8

"Love is what's in the room with you at Christmas if you stop opening presents and listen."

Bobby - age 7

"If you want to learn to love better, you should start with a friend who you hate,"

Nikka - age 6 (we need a few million more Nikka's on this planet)

"Love is when you tell a guy you like his shirt, then he wears it everyday."

Noelle - age 7

"Love is like a little old woman and a little old man who are still friends even after they know each other so well."

Tommy - age 6

"During my piano recital, I was on a stage and I was scared. I looked at all the people watching me and saw my daddy waving and smiling. He was the only one doing that. I wasn't scared anymore."

Cindy - age 8

"My mommy loves me more than anybody! You don't see anyone else kissing me to sleep at night."

Clare - age 6

"Love is when Mommy gives Daddy the best piece of chicken."

Elaine-age 5

"Love is when Mommy sees Daddy smelly and sweaty and still says he is handsomer than Robert Redford."

Chris - age 7

"Love is when your puppy licks your face even after you left him alone all day."

Mary Ann - age 4

"I know my older sister loves me because she gives me all her old clothes and has to go out and buy new ones."

Lauren - age 4

"When you love somebody, your eyelashes go up and down and little stars come out of you." (what an image)

Karen - age 7

"Love is when Mommy sees Daddy on the toilet and she doesn't think it's gross."

Mark - age 6

"You really shouldn't say 'I love you' unless you mean it. But if you mean it, you should say it a lot. People forget."

Jessica - age 8

And the final one -- Author and lecturer Leo Buscaglia once talked about a contest he was asked to judge. The purpose of the contest was to find the most caring child. The winner was a four year old child whose next door neighbor was an elderly gentleman who had recently lost his wife.

Upon seeing the man cry, the little boy went into the old gentleman's yard, climbed onto his lap, and just sat there.

When his Mother asked what he had said to the neighbor, the little boy said, "Nothing, I just helped him cry"

Interpretations

2010-06-08T21:01:00.001-07:00

So there's a contest for making short films from some Asian American director? who is famous? Idk. Anyway I thought the concept was intriguing and some of the video examples that are posted very clever...others are eh.. but I thought I'd share :]

Each video can consist of only four lines

"It's not something I'd do"
"Well"
"It's not what I expected"
"Are you sure"

and then each film is supposed to be whomever filmmaker's interpretation.

I especially like the films:
GOOD SHOT
BLOWOUT SALE

and I think you'll appreciate them too. :] Guess that it's times like these when tumblr is useful...but check them out! They're only like 2 min long each..or something like that. Click the link :]

Looking Back

2010-05-07T13:39:00.000-07:00

So, I'm sitting here at Peet's, not sure how much longer I have internet. I only get an hour with a purchase. I'm in SF, just had lunch with Der and I'm supposed to be studying until he gets off work...but I have no internet at home, so I've been deprived internet the last week or so. Therefore, of course I'm spending a significant amount of time online, instead of studying for finals. So, of course that means going on facebook and spending way too much time looking through what I've been missing out the last few days.

Mostly, I got stuck looking at pictures of people's end of the year small group stuff for all the different freshmen small groups. Of course, especially Unit 4 small group. I'm gonna be honest, my first reaction was to feel really, really sad. I think a lot of people think that I'm a cold-hearted b**** to have been able to just walk away from this group. In fact, some of the gossip I know that has gone around about what happened to me this school year is absolutely ridiculous. But, looking through the pictures of my ex-smallgroupees and ex-coleaders was both heart-breaking and joy-giving.

Joy-giving because I could look at the pictures and see all the ecstatically happy faces and say to myself...God took care of them. No matter what people said about how I would hurt them and maybe even affect their relationships with God, the fact is... they didn't need me to be there for them, God was and is absolutely enough. The co-leaders I left behind? Well, they did amazingly and I can see how much the freshmen love them. I can see how God held them close and led them through this tough year.

But I can't deny. Looking at those pictures...I miss them. I should have been there. Did I make the right decision? Not that a lot of it was even my decision to make. Am I happy now? I really am. God has brought me a long, long way. The person who I am has changed drastically and is still changing, and I know that there are still many people who don't understand or agree with those changes. But I've been learning a bit about my own pride and how much of the anger, sadness, bitterness was really from the depth of my own sin. How it doesn't really matter what people think, no matter how hard it is not to care. If God has forgiven the depth of me, why should I care what people say?

But it's hard. So hard. I wonder how people are. I wish they knew how much I still cared. How I don't know how to love them with so many boundaries placed on me. I still can't help thinking, what if I was there in the middle of that picture, with those people. I don't even know how to talk to some of them anymore, honestly it's kinda scary.

But looking at their smiling faces, I feel some peace. God really is good, and he does bring restoration.

Everyone Hates Telebears

2010-04-28T09:58:00.000-07:00

It's been a looonnng hiatus from the blogging world, and I promised several people a new blog soon. Sorry it took so long. BUT I finally have some time because...

1. I'm late for my 10am class, and there really is no point in being 10-15 min late to a 50 min class... then you get there, sit, learn nothing cause you don't know what happened in the last 10-15 min, and then suddenly class is over. Then you wish you had just stayed in your bed in your pj's like me.
2. The reason I'm late is not because of I overslept, as you most likely think. (Not that I can presume to know what you are thinking dear reader, please do not take offense) BUT, the reason was the great, the infamous, the horrible TELEBEARS! cue dramatic music.

For those of you who do not know...Telebears is UC Berkeley's horrible, inefficient, and anger-inducing way of creating schedules for suffering students such as myself.

Testaments to such torture are currently plastered all over Facebook. Especially by Freshmen... Sadly I envy said freshmen...because APPARENTLY they all had Telebears DAYS before mine's! UGH! Which brings me to big unanswered question of why are Telebears appointments set up the way they are? How are they assigned? Everyone has different theories that Madhur and me went through the other day during lunch...and disproved them all. Such as:

1. By Class: Uh pretty sure a whole bunch of freshmen have telebears before me.
2. By Units: Madhur said that Abhi definitely has way more units then him, and Madhur's is first.
3. Engineers have telebears first: Madhur is an Engineer. I'm totally not. Mine is first.
4. Declaration of Major: Madhur is declared, one of my majors is declared....definitely still have a late late telebears.
5. If you have an early first phase, you'll have a late second, and vice versa: NOT TRUE WHATSOEVER.
6. It's all random, and nobody is cruelly giving me these horrible telebear appointments and causing extra stress in my life which my MCB50 prof tells me is going to give chronic inflammation and I'm going to die. (Ok, maybe not exactly like that, but that's the class I'm missing right now...give me a break)

If someone could give me the REAL explanation of how telebears is assigned...I'd be eternally grateful. I just can't stop trying to figure it out.

Anywho. Now I'm waitlisted in 3 Social Welfare classes, even as a declared major...and not signed up for ANY PoliSci classes...cause GUESS WHAT. EVERY SINGLE upperdiv ps clas has a full waitlist. OH JOY! >:[

Okay okay, sorry I'm being a grump and using this blog to rant...apologies.

On a happier note, Evelyn and I began our move to our new apartment last night at like 2 in the morning! :D I'm SO EXCITED! You should see my room/living room. Each wall is a different BRIGHT BRIGHT color: teal, yellow, orange, and purple. It's quite lovely. YAY! More on that later. <3

Beautiful

2010-03-26T15:01:00.000-07:00

This Spring Break has been BEAUTIFUL

and FUN
and AMAZING
and LOVELY
and WONDERFUL
and FULL

and now looking at Denise's Blog...I wish I had been taking pictures throughout. Pretty much the best spring break I've ever had...and GUESS WHAT...

it's not done yet!

And plus, bringing the boy home for the first, and second (and third tomorrow!) time wasn't as horrible as I thought it'd be. Actually, my parents are pretty awesome. <3

Came To My Rescue

2010-02-22T11:43:00.000-08:00

Do you know that song?
Kenny led it in worship yesterday at church.
As he played it and the congregation sang along,
I began to cry.

When I'm really sad, I cry.
When I'm really happy, I cry.
This time I was really angry.
And I cried.

I'm too emotional.
I get caught up in my emotions
All the time.
I laugh easily, I cry easily

I think I cry the hardest when I'm pissed.
Really, really pissed.
That usually only happens when I'm angry with people
Who I really love.

When I'm fighting with my mom.
When I'm arguing with my dad.
When my best friends hurt me.
When Derek pisses me off.

This time,
I was angry at God.
Does that mean I love him?
I don't know.

I called
You answered
And you came to my rescue
And I want to be where you are.

Those are the lyrics
No. I am sick and tired of it.
People ask,
How are you?

I haven't been able to answer,
I'm good, I'm great! honestly
For the better part of
Four months.

Last week I ran into the verse
Isaiah 58:9
Do I believe this promise?
It says,

Then you will call,
and the Lord will answer;
you will cry for help,
and he will say: Here I Am

Do I believe this promise?
I don't know.

Laughing

2010-02-09T19:23:00.000-08:00

Today Derek and I were sitting in a random corner against the wall in Stanley...cause some girl was sitting at our table upstairs. We were definitely right in the middle of traffic sitting exactly where two flights of stairs and a hallway meet.

We were talking about phone numbers because we were being creeper spying on Becky downstairs. We txted her on both our phones trying to get her to look up at us. But of course, as everyone knows, Stanley has horrible reception...even for an awesome possum phone like mine. I didn't have her number so Derek was giving it to me. I noticed as he was reciting her number that when he says phone numbers out loud he says them in big numbers...like two hundred, sixty-seven, thirty-four. I say two, zero, zero, six, seven, three four. (er..these are arbitrary numbers..not Becky's so please do not call them. Please) He says that's the reason he memorized my number and I haven't memorized his. I say it's because I don't care to memorize his number. C'mon, it's on my phone. :D

Then he excitedly proceeded to tell me excitedly about this cool phone number trick he knew!
-Did you know that if you add up all the numbers in any phone number it becomes nine?!
-Huh? What are you talking about...
-If you add them up they become nine!
-Er...don't they just get bigger
-Noooo! You have to keep adding them! Like this! (again, arbitrary numbers) 2+0+0+6+7+3+4 equals 22 and then you add two and two...that's not right..
-Maybe you have to add the area code
-Ohhh yea.. okay 22+4+0+8 equals 34, and 3+4.....that's not right
-(By this time I'm already laughing really hard) I think whoever showed you that tricked you. Dang Der, you're gullible.

Then I just completely lost it. I burst out laughing and I couldn't stop laughing. It wasn't even that funny, but for some reason it was hilarious. His excitement at the trick, his disappointment when it didn't work. And for those of you who have heard me really laugh...you know I have the loudest (some call obnoxious) laugh. And in Stanley hall...with it's hard wood walls and tile floor it just echoed so loudly. Everyone sitting and walking by started staring at us, and it just made me laugh more. I just couldn't stop laughing.

I haven't laughed like that in a long time. My stomach hurt so badly. And it felt so good. <3

I Think I'm Having Another Major Crisis.

2010-02-04T16:49:00.000-08:00

When I say major, I literally mean...major. Like... What is your major?

I'm definitely sitting in polisci discussion right now asking myself...Why am I here again? Suffering through these upper div polisci courses that I honestly don't care much about?

I have to admit, it's a matter of pride. Of wasted time. If I decide not to be a political science major now...what happens to all those units and classes and upper division coursework that I've already done? But I know...I'm pretty sure. I'm not cut out to be a polisci major. Oh Crap.

R.I.P. My Dear Friends

2010-01-06T19:45:00.001-08:00

I am mourning the loss of my dear friends who have been with me every step of the way the last 3ish years...

My poor, poor black vans.
Yes. Today my mom dragged me to the Vans store and ordered me to buy a new pair...apparently my vans were too dirty and old and ripped up and hole-y and unladylike. D:
BUT BUT BUT! They were so comfy! and formed to my feet! and my toes liked the holes..they gave them air and breathing room! I mean, yes...you couldn't exactly tell that the shoes were once black, they looked more off brown. And yes, my soles were exposed so any bit of dampness from the outside world would sneak in. But I loved those shoes. They didn't even know what hit them.

They came with me into the store. Happily walked with me to the Vans Store guy as I asked for a pair of size 8, black authentic's. Watched as I put on the brand new pair of Vans and laced them up. They didn't even have a chance! D; As soon as I put on the new shoes my mom insisted that I wear them out of the store, then proceeded to place my poor vans into the shoebox and tell the girl at the counter to throw them away! The lady next to me trying on shoes laughed when I begged my mom to let me take them home. I think the girl at the counter felt sorry for me as she looked anxiously at me and told me I could take them home if I wanted to. She even put them in the plastic bag for me....and then my mom proceeded to take them out of the plastic bag, hand the box to the girl and say.. "NO! Throw them away!"

I didn't even get to say goodbye.
Okay, okay I know that people have been telling me for the last year that I need a new pair. I should not be so attached to a pair of shoes. And that I should appreciate a shiny new pair of shoes. But...dang it! I wish that I could have at least brought them home, and then sneaked them to school. *Sigh* Well, I guess these will have to do...until they get all disgusting too! :D

Urbana Reflection Part 1

2010-01-02T17:54:00.001-08:00

So I've spent most of the day avoiding thinking about Urbana. In fact I spent most of the day laying in bed reading The Gathering Storm, the 12th book in the Wheel of Time Series. Which I highly recommend to anybody who likes fantasy/science fiction. I think today I mostly needed a break from all this Urbana stuff, I've been thinking, reflecting, processing, over and over. Everyone I talk to someone it's "How was Urbana?" and then I have to think about it all over again. Not that that is a bad thing, but I'm still trying to figure things out.

There's just SO MUCH stuff to think about, but there are a handful of things that I've especially been trying to process. However, each of those single things would probably take up more than a full blog entry so I will go through each one at a time as I process...because I REALLY want to share the things God revealed this last week. So hopefully in the next couple of days I will be able to give you a glimpse of everything that I've learned and am still learning.

There are so many things running through my head, but the one at the top, the most eye-opening one for me is the one I will share with you first. :] At the risk of making a particular person's head get too big, I want to share a little bit of a conversation I had towards the end of Urbana. You know who you are, consider this my thank you. hahaha <3

So here's the background. Second to last day of Urbana. The entire week previously I had been struggling with why I was even there. Coming to Urbana had been a struggle, issues with money, drama with staff, I fought long and hard in order to NOT come to Urbana. In the end though God made it clear that I was supposed to be there. So I went. But being in St. Louis, Missouri...all I wanted was to go home. In being at Urbana I had to face people I didn't want to face, talk to people I didn't want to talk to, avoid the person I did want to see. The speakers spoke, but I felt like they weren't speaking to me. The worship team led worship, but I felt unmoved. I kept asking God, "Why the heck did you bring me here?" I was utterly confused and frustrated with myself for not being able to receive and take in everything around me.

As the week went by there were small things that accumulated within me that touched me or resonated with me. These are the things that I want to continue to reflect on and share, but it felt strange that nothing seemed to shake my world in the way I thought it was supposed to. I think my heart was just so hard and unwilling to open up to the things God was trying to reveal. But then on the second to last day of Urbana, those who came from UC Berkeley all met up for community time to share with each other how God was working that week and to just have fellowship and hang out with one another.

I spent this time talking to just one friend. Our conversation lasted way past the designated fellowship time as we were the last to leave the room. And the irony of this conversation was that God revealed something to me through a conversation with someone I see at school, who I regularly have class with and talk to. But it took traveling all the way to St. Louis to have this particular conversation.

I shared my frustrations with the current going ons in my life; frustrations with the people around me and the community around me. I admitted that the more and more time I spent thinking about what I was supposed to do I felt more and more that I needed to leave our community, our fellowship. I was tired of being in a place where I felt nothing but judgment. Where instead of the love and grace that the people around me insisted that they believed I felt nothing but shame. Feeling like I had a label stamped on my forehead and that was all people could see. And as I reflected on the way I've been spending my time and effort in the last semester I could see how my priorities in certain areas of my life negatively affected other areas, no matter how good my intentions were. I said I felt like I could feel God's love, grace, and forgiveness, but this wasn't being translated into the people around me. As I told this person how much I just wanted to give up my ties to this community and leave, he said something that I haven't been able to stop thinking about since.

He said that he didn't know how to solve or figure out all the things that I was going through. That he understood the frustrations I had with our community as he has had many similar ones. But then he said that in all of this he knew just one thing and that was that he knew that I shouldn't, that I couldn't leave this community. He went on to say that if I really knew God's love, grace, and forgiveness that was all I needed. If my identity was completely tied up in God then that was enough. That should be enough to say it doesn't matter that you do not show me grace or love, because I have God's love and that is enough. I will be gracious and loving and forgiving no matter what, because God has poured that out onto me. To say that I will up and leave because people have not been loving or gracious is to be a hypocrite. To leave is to say, you have not shown me love, therefore I will not show you love. You have not shown me grace, therefore I will not show you grace. But to stay is to say, it doesn't matter whether or not you show me love or grace, this community matters to me and I care for it. I will continue to love on this community because Christ has loved on me first.

And I was blown away. All I could say in that moment was "Wow, you're right."
But then it gets better. Somehow, the next morning the main speaker Antoine Rutayisine spoke on reconciliation and his talk took the conversation I had the day before and just magnified hundredfold. Antoine talked about how humans are easily wounded, but at the cross we find the answer. He talked about all the sins that were done against him, and those sins were so much more than those I accused of the people around me. He had an entire list of people that he hated with cause. And I realized I was the same, that I had a list of people who hurt me and that I hated with cause. These people did indeed hurt me and I had reasons to be bitter. But then he went on to talk about how Jesus looked down from the cross and looked and the people who were murdering him and said, "Father forgive them, for they do not know what they do."

This absolutely blew me away. Jesus had the sins of the world on his shoulders. The weight of the hurt thrown at him is one that I can't even begin to imagine. I can't even begin to imagine the pain that Antoine went through, how could I even start with Jesus' suffering? But that Jesus was able to ask God for their forgiveness, our forgiveness, MY forgiveness. Wow.

I didn't know what to do with this new found knowledge, except for the immediate tug on my heart to reconcile with one particular person with whom I've been struggling with. She and I were able to sit in the prayer room at Urbana and just talk, reconcile, and pray together...and God truly spoke. I'm still figuring all this out, but I was so encouraged and in awe by this particular revealing of God's love and grace. One that I thought I understood, but now know that I am still coming to understand.

Hungry

2009-12-25T17:46:00.000-08:00

One of my favorite songs Hungry. My favorite part is the second verse, I had it as my facebook random side box thingy for a long time. It says:

Broken, I run to You
for I know You satisfy
I am weary, but I know
Your touch restores my life

I've been wanting to blog another post for sometime. My apologies because I've had crazy busyness, finals, drama, sickness, and then once coming home for break no internet. I am currently mooching of my best friend (love you Sarah)'s internet...being a bad friend and sitting here at my computer instead of talking to her. I also wanted to apologize because apparently people have been wondering about my last post...apparently it sounds like I killed someone or something close and scared people. I wish I could say that everything is over and has ended in nice tight closure, but that would be a lie. But, don't worry folks...I did not murder anybody.

I just wanted to reflect a little. This semester I've reflected on that song a lot... it helps that the 5 chords needed for the song consist of the only 5 chords I know how to play on guitar. But this semester I've learned a lot about relying on God. I've learned about the humanity of myself and all the people around me that I rely on. This semester I learned a ton about the extent of God's love, forgiveness, and mercy. And for the first time in my life I feel like these words are not just buzz words. And for the first time I feel like, though I have not been fully been able to find these things in the people around me, I still find them in God.

But let's throw something else into the mix. How do figure this out with the new factor of a boy or a relationship? You know what. I'm just going to completely honest here, people who don't know will find out eventually. I think I've found a guy, for the first time in my life, where I've been able to sit and actually say to myself, "You know what, he may be the one." Someone who I completely trust, even though in some ways he has broken that trust. Someone I has the hugest heart of anybody I know. Someone who takes care of me, a person who hates being taken care of. Someone who has made mistakes but is seeking after God and God's heart. Someone who's seen me at the top of my game and in my worst moments and still sees me the same. Someone who makes me so incredibly happy.

But, what do I make of that? I want to be with him, of course I do...but how do I make sure that God is first. That God is the one that I'm completely relying on? That I don't replace my needing God, trusting God, loving God with a boy? It's an issue I never considered. I've always had the idea in my head that whatever relationship that I am in needs to be a Godly one...but how does that work out in reality? How do we make sure that we are seeking God first? That, you know what? When I am broken it is God that I run to... and that when I am weary, God restores me...not a boy.

Because of hard and painful things that have happened recently, I am now fasting from that one person I want to be with the most...In this time we're separately trying to figure out what God wants with us, and how to seek God without selfishly seeking each other. And freaking a, it is hard. And it's the little things...like not being able to txt him when I think of something funny that reminds me of him. Or seeing him online and not iming him and staying invisible instead. Or knowing that he is going through so much crap and painful stuff right now and not being able to be there for him.

In all of this I ask God for wisdom and discernment. The big questions that have been asked of me...like is this relationship the most wise and best thing to even go through with right now? I'm hoping that this time of fasting and praying will reveal something.

Pray for me? Or pray with me? I need all the support I can get.

Merry Christmas <3

Desperate

2009-12-05T12:26:00.000-08:00

It's been a long, long time hasn't it? A month.

Well, I have excuses. Life has been getting to me. As soon as one major issue has come and gone, another one arises. I wish that this blog could be a celebration of the end of classes, end of the semester...but right now, I feel like I have very little to celebrate about. Wow, this blog is already turning out extremely emo...I wonder if it's okay to write about such things here, now that I definitely have relatives who have added me on facebook. I wonder what they'd think if they read this.

I have a confession to make. This week I did what could arguably be the most stupid thing I've ever done in my entire life. This week I did what could arguably be the most sinful thing I've ever done in my entire life...I guess if sins could be placed on a scale that is. I hurt some people more than I knew was possible. The amount of time I've spent crying these last few days probably is about equal to the amount of time I've spent not. I swear, I didn't know that it was possible for a human body (especially one that never drinks water like mine) could let out so much water.

It's incredible how one mistake can change your life. How 15 minutes, even less than that, of forgetting God, not thinking, being stupid can turn your life upside down. How suddenly your identity can change, or how suddenly who you are is completely blurred.

I've been praying over and over for forgiveness, for grace, for healing. I know in my head that God looks past my sin, that he heals so completely, that he still calls me his daughter. But in my heart, I can't even forgive myself and there's no way that I feel that I deserve or receive forgiveness from God or from the people I hurt. Instead there is only shame and dirtiness. Maybe it's because I still don't fully understand the Gospel, or the message that Christ brings.

Now I'm wondering what the point of this blog was. I just felt like I needed to write one. I guess this is me being desperate for prayer. I know this is all so vague, but if you are reading this, whoever you are...please pray, for me and even more for those other people involved in this situation. I'm not exactly sure how to ask or what to ask. But I am so aware that we need it.

Claustrophobia

2009-11-04T11:55:00.000-08:00

I feel so claustrophobic.
SO tired of being stuck in my apartment, stuck in class, stuck in routine.
I REALLY want to go exploring. I've been here in Berkeley for over a year and STILL haven't explored SO many places that I've wanted to explore. Or even randomly just walked around to places that I don't know. Maybe I will ditch my papers and reading and work...and just go play!

Anyone want to come with?

Healing

2009-10-18T14:02:00.000-07:00

In spite of all the horribleness of these last couple of weeks.
In spite of being super confused.
In spite of not getting enough sleep every single night.
In spite of being tired and exhausted.
In spite of being behind on all my school work.
In spite of roommate drama.
In spite of friendship drama.
In spite of the past coming to haunt me.
In spite of inadequacies that have been weighing me down.
In spite of straining relationships.
In spite of bitterness that I can't seem to let go.
In spite of loneliness.
In spite of lack of understanding.
In spite of never having enough time.
In spite of never having enough energy.
In spite of only being one person.
In spite of it all.

God keeps showing his face, even if only after I feel like he's left me.
Things keep working out, even if only after the worst has seem to happen.
People keep saying the right things, even if only after I've heard all of the wrong things.

I think that many times it's just my perspective that pulls me in. When I realize my weakness I do everything I can to overcome it. Then when it's not enough I feel so inadequate and incapable, instead of relying on God's strength. Sometimes I think that I make decisions for myself with good intentions. Then I justify those decisions instead of giving God a chance to do his thing. Whether it's in school work, small group leading, friendships, family... I think I've been trying to make it all work without God really in the picture. I'm aware that he's around, but I that's it. It's like these last 19 years I've been preparing for a play. I know what the play is about, the jist of it. I'm pretty sure about what part I'm supposed to play. And now, it's time for me to perform. But then I've just realized that I've never seen the script. And instead of paying attention to God directing me, or holding up those cue cards, or whispering to me behind the scenes...I just stand there looking like an idiot, completely and utterly lost. And then knowing me...I choke on my own spit and trip over my own foot.

But somehow, when I pay attention the good always out weights the bad. It's so easy to focus on all the things that are going wrong and forget about all the things that are going right. To notice the remarkable things that God is doing and how he is healing me, in every sense of the word.

Friends

2009-10-07T12:27:00.000-07:00

I never seem to think before I talk. Actually, this is something I began to notice this summer when I realized that I stutter...a LOT. But, it's because I tend to just start talking excitedly without thinking and then I change my mind about what I'm going to stay after I already started talking. Therefore...it just comes out like... slgkjbdzgasflkg. gibberish. Well, I ALSO noticed that because I don't think before I talk, often times things pop into my head and I just start talking...especially in the middle of conversation. I therefore interrupt and cut people off ALL THE TIME. It's a horrible, horrible habit and then I just end up dominating conversations. I'm really trying to work hard at being a better listener and not just a talker in my conversations with people, because you know what? Sometimes people don't need to hear what you have to say. No matter how good your advice is or how deep your insight is. Sometimes people just need someone who will listen. I think listeners are better friends.

I've realized that those people I really tend to attach myself to are those who listen and take care of me. I guess I've always been a sort of "mom" in my group of friends. I tend to be the planner, the worrier, the advice giver, the comforter. I think it's a role I enjoy and fits my personality well, but until this year I never realized how much of a mom I can be. Last night one of my roomies (which reminds me, I should have a post about my beautiful roommates soon) told me that I was such a mom. In short, I was our apartment mom... yea I tend to take care of my roomies but I also tend to be the scolder, the slightly anal one, the note leaver. I'm sure they get annoyed with me. But, I think that's why I gravitate to one or two people who will mother me. Be my rock when I am going crazy and delirious...which I tend to do pretty often. And then I end up just spending loads of time with that person or two.

Friendships are interesting. Is it weird to analyze them in this way? Trying to figure why I have certain friendships. Like...I was thinking. I miss having flirtations friendships with guys. Haha, isn't that just a HORRIBLE thing to say. Oh my, some people from back home are going to LOVE that I'm saying this, but Morgan I think I finally realize you were sorta kinda right...all these years. I sorta kinda do deserve that horrible nickname you guys made for me. Goodness, why am I even writing this, this is embarrassing....but it has a point! I was thinking about the friendships I have with people here and comparing them to the friendships with people at home and how different they were. And one big thing that stood out to me was how I treat my guy friends. I don't think I fully realized how much I flirt with my guy friends until I made a concentrated effort not to or just to be more careful in college. Okay...I seriously am digging myself into a hole. I'm going to stop here. This was not a post about flirting, it was about analyzing friendships. Don't judge me.

Btw, I LOVE LOVE LOVE the show Friends. I fully believe in the quote that "the well-hidden secret of this show was that it called itself Friends, and was really about family."

At the Computer Museum

2009-09-19T19:23:00.000-07:00

Being sick sucks. Especially the kind of sick where you can't really do anything. You can't eat, you can't read, you can't walk around much, you can barely think. But being sick also makes you appreciate other things. Like getting tons of sleep. Or watching Monster's Inc. in bed. Or this conversation I had with my little brother over dinner (Mind you, he's 9 years younger than me).

Him: Hey, Ohmah (That's Mom in Korean) told me that you used to have a Super Nintendo.
Me: Yea, we did when I was younger, but it broke.
Him: Ohh, Super Nintendo's are the one the you plug into your tv right?
Me: Yea...
Him: (After a thoughtful moments pause) That's so cool. I saw one of those at the computer museum. Too bad Ohmah threw yours away. We could've kept it and in 20 years sold it for a lot of money!

Suddenly I feel very old. Oh gees, and I'm not even 20 yet. But the first game system HE'S ever had is a Nintendo DS. Oh my goodness. I remember how ecstatic I was when my older brother and I got our first Game Boy, it looked just like this.
And I remember just how cool I thought we were because NO ONE else had the LIMITED EDITION CLEAR CASE Game Boy. Oh the long hours spent playing on that thing, fighting with my brother for a turn. Haha, I wonder if I still have that brick. I should go look for it.

At Tully's

2009-09-11T12:33:00.000-07:00

I think today is Blogger's birthday, because there is a birthday cake on the Blogger Logo. Well, if it is...Happy Birthday Blogger! :D But now that I think about it, today is September 11th, which means Blogger's birthday is on September 11th. I wonder what it would be like to have your birthday on such a sad day...

Anyway, on a happier note. I am currently sitting in Tully's! The new cafe on campus in MLK...and I have to admit... I LOVE this spot! I love that the counters are a disgusting shade of green. I love that I'm facing a HUGE wall window that is PERFECT for people watching. I love that it's quiet, with just the right amount of white noise. I love that someone I know walked by and did a double-take when she glanced at me, and then waved. I love that I can watch all the craziness on Sproul with the hundreds of people walking by, but feel good and alone behind this glass wall. Alone in a good way, we all need a breather and some alone time once in a while. I heard that Matt is going to work here, which makes me love it even more. Haha, Matt if you are reading this I apologize, but c'mon... If you got to order coffee from me, you'd love it too. I think this is going to be my new study by myself place.

On the other hand, the new Peet's on North Side of campus is AMAZING for studying with other people. I would go into detail, but I only walked through. I haven't actually sat down and experienced yet. But it looks gorgeous, roomy, and comfortable. :]

I really wanted to go into some detail about what's been going on in my life lately, but now that I'm actually here sitting and typing I can't think of what to say. Life's been so...busy. But so good. I get to live with the most amazing girls (and guys across the hall), small group lead with most amazing co-leaders, and hang out with the most amazing freshmen. I'm not sure what else to say, but that I'm tired, exhausted, not getting enough sleep...but life has been so good to me. God has been so good to me. I keep forgetting to thank him, but at the same time I keep getting little reminders about his awesomeness.

Sorry about such sporadic posting, and for this very incomplete and random post...buuuut I gots to go to work! And after work today...a FUN FUN FUN weekend! I promise to be back soon.
For all of you back home, I miss you guys so much. I've been thinking about home a lot lately. <3

Lately

2009-08-31T02:45:00.000-07:00

Hello, it's been a while hasn't it?
It's late and I'm tired and grumpy...and yet for some reason I'm sitting here typing this instead of showering and sleeping. Not sure why.

I was just thinking. So much has changed since the end of last year, and this is only the beginning. And I'm starting to really understand what they all meant by "Sophomore Slump." I get it I think.

So much has happened lately, and I wish I had something profound to say...along with an amazing summary of the going ons.

Lately I've been wondering why being surrounded by people can make you feel even more lonely...and why feeling like you're needed feels so good.

Oh, and if you are a Delta Gamma, I'm sorry but we can no longer be friends. Chanting at the top of your lungs outside my window at 8 in the morning is uncalled for...and repeating it every 30 minutes until noon is completely unnecessary. You are not "cuter than the other girls," you're more annoying.

Oh gees, contrary to what it sounds...this last couple of weeks has been amazing. Don't let this horribly grumpy and bitter post fool you. It's 3 in the morning. Give me a break.

Mom

2009-07-20T10:53:00.000-07:00

I miss my mom. A LOT.

I just realized, though I've been away from my mom for much longer than this last month...this is the LONGEST I've had to go with such little contact with her. During the school year I'll go home about once a month or a month and a half, but when I do go home she's there. When I call home about once a week, I don't call my house phone, I call her cell phone, and she picks up. The few times she can't pick up, she calls me back right away whenever she can. When I go home she cooks me delicious food, packs me food to take to Berkeley, and we have mom-daughter dates. She gives me SOO much crap about boys and not having a boyfriend, and tries to hook me up with other PK's. (That's pastor kid's for those who may not know.) She gives me a hard time about gaining weight in college and tries to force feed me fruit, while I whine and eat cookies instead. She buys me nice clothes and surprises me with jewelry, even though we should really be holding onto that money for that new car that we desparately need. And she tells me the most hilarious story about the most random things and acts totally rude and inappropriate while doing things that are considered appropriate in Korea, even though they are not considered so in the U.S. (Though she's lived in the U.S. for more than 20 years). She get's ridicously angry at me for being stubborn and one-minded and asks me, "WHERE DID YOU GET THIS ATTITUDE/PERSONALITY FROM"? when we both know my personality is completely her personality and I am totally my mother's daughter.

But for the last month, I call home and only my dad is there. (I love him too, don't get me wrong). In fact I can't even talk to my mom until I get home every few weekends and call her internationally. I stayed over the weekend at my bff's house and watching her interact with her mom made me miss my mom more. Calling my mom this weekend, only being able to wish her Happy Birthday over the phone made me miss her more. Reading a friend's blog post (Shout out Viv!) about her mom made me miss her more.

I always forget to appreciate my mom. I hope she's having an AMAZING time in Korea because she totally deserves a vacation. She hasn't been back home since I was born, and that was 19 years ago. Now if YOUR mom is nearby go give her a hug :] or better yet...offer to wash the dishes. Appreciate her, and she'll appreciate it.

A Landmark

2009-07-13T23:12:00.000-07:00

Today was my very first real small group leading experience. :]

That is all, because I have a lot of catch-up studying to do.
Ask me about it if you're interested.

Something Missing

2009-06-30T11:36:00.000-07:00

I miss finals.

Okay, okay don't freak out on me. Hear me out. These last couple days I've been thinking, especially about last semester and I realized...

I really, really miss finals.
I miss having something important to do everyday that keeps me busy all day.
I miss camping out in the mpr with my whole life sprawled out on the table so wouldn't have to get up.
I miss working hard for something I really want.
I miss spending all day with my friends.
I miss stressing and sympathizing with people.
I miss ridiculous study breaks where the smallest things were hilarious because everyone was so wound up from studying.
I miss studying at night, then going to latenight for a snack at 1 in the morning.
I miss getting annoyed at my friends for being too loud.
I miss getting yelled at by strangers for being too loud.
I miss helping each other study and having study groups.
I miss distracting people and getting distracted by really dumb, pointless things.
I miss those really comfortable, lean backy, rolly chairs in the mpr.
I miss doing well on a final and knowing that all that studying was worth it.
I miss making friends by studying with people I never really talked to.
I miss the community and immediate bonding of those who are going through similar trials.
I miss relying on God and trusting him because I felt so inadequate and unprepared.

Though this summer has been relaxing and rejuvenating, instead I feel lonely and unmotivated. Seeing my friends and loved ones for only a few hours every day and then spending most of my day alone is such a drastic difference from the constant community. And feeling unchallenged and feeling "okay" all the time, I've stopped reaching on to God. During the craziness of school and finals I longed for this "peace" that I thought I'd feel during the summer, but it's the exact opposite. I feel anxious and antsy, lonely and lazy. Berkeley during the summer is nice, but there's something missing.

Foolishness

2009-06-06T13:19:00.000-07:00

You may or may have not noticed that my blogging has gotten exponentially more regular and often... this may be because it is summer I have nothing better to do, or it may be because it is summer and that has allowed me to do a lot more thinking. I think it's the former, especially since my last two blogs didn't include much thinking anyway. Actually, it's been a while since I've written a heartfelt, thought provoking blog. I have to admit, I strayed away from it for a while because I felt my blog was getting so emo sounding...but I miss it, strange as that may be.

So last night, at about one in the morning, I had a realization. Have you ever had those moments where you're sitting there doing something or thinking about something and then suddenly out of nowhere you suddenly think to yourself, "What in the world am I doing?" or "What the heck am I thinking." Don't lie, I'm sure you've had those moments.

I'm not sure why, but suddenly last night I felt like I was wasting my life away, and it was not a pleasant feeling. I was clicking away at facebook like a useless zombie. I was thinking wistfully about people, places, and things in a not so pleasant lonely, feeling sorry for myself way. And suddenly I felt absolutely and utterly foolish. And in the moment all I could do was think, "What is wrong with me," and then go to bed.

I think that the horrible thing about summer vacation is the way that it can just suck you in. Of course, during the school year we all dream about summer...but I've realized just how easy it is to be sucked in to lazing my life away. To live without passion is a horrible thing. I had high hopes for this summer. I was going to be prayerful. I was going to read all those books I didn't get to read during the school year. I was going to practice guitar fervently. I was going to get back into shape and lose that freshmen...10. I was going to journal regularly. I was going to meet people and go places and get over a boy.

Instead I've been sitting around doing nothing. Looking at other people's facebook pictures and feeling a little jealous. Talking to people about the things we're going to do, that are probably not going to happen. Waiting for summer school to start, but being unhappy that it's starting right as everyone is coming home. Watching way too much tv. Reading other people's mission trip blogs. And all I can think is..."What the heck am I doing?"

I feel ridiculously dissappointed in myself and can't help but feel like God's dissappointed in me too. What am I doing to further his kingdom? I'm being well fed with family serving my every need. I don't need to work hard or do anything really. I can sit on my butt all day and each day goes by. I never want to be so together, so comfortable that my life is this way. I realized living like this: without passion, without motivation is scary... and so pointless. Hopefully I'll pull myself together and maybe I'll go do something useful.

People Watching

2009-06-03T17:33:00.000-07:00

Today I went to lunch with my mom and grandma to an Asian buffet. I was sitting on one side of the table while they were sitting on the opposite. At the table behind my mom and grandma was a man and a women. The man was a creeper.

Do not judge you say. Why would you say such a mean thing about a random stranger you say.

HE WAS A CREEPER!
He kept staring! BLATANTLY STARING! Even after I made eye contact with him several times and gave him weird looks back! I couldn't eat! and I was at a BUFFET! (oh heeeeeck no).

Eventually I scooted my seat so he was directly behind my mom's head so I couldn't see him anymore. But for reals? Can't a person enjoy their delicious sushi and kung pao chicken in peace?

I am a people watcher. Yes I admit it, but I must say that it is quite an enjoyable hobby. I like to imagine what people are thinking or if they are having a conversation or are on the phone I like to imagine what they are talking about. Sometimes I hear random and wrong bits of people's conversations and it's hilarious. Okay I guess that makes me an eavesdropper too...But the thing is lately I've realized there are rules to people watching. There is a fine line between people-watcher and just plain 'ol creeper. So I'm laying down some ground rules:

1. Don't stare.
The point of people watching is not to stare at people and scare them. It's obvious you're staring! And it's really, really weird! Or if you're gonna stare you better be far away enough that the person can't tell you're staring..

2. Which brings me to point two. People watch from a good distance...like out the window of you're friend's 8th floor dorm room. Puahahah Leenie, I'm so glad you're still living on the 8th floor next year. xD

3. If you're an older guy you are automatically a creeper. Sorry, no people watching for you.

4. If you make eye contact with someone, look away...and don't look back.

5. Don't people watch in large groups. It's just awkward when people notice. And you'll also avoid the awkwardness of people noticing you pointing things out, whispering behind your hand, or laughing.

6. Don't take pictures...they're not celebrities! They don't need paparazzi.

haha okay I have to admit some of these rules are coming from another recent awkward experience of being people-watched... which did include uncomfortable picture taking and large groups, but in short..

Please don't be a creeper. It's not enjoyable for the creepees.
On the other hand, crepes are delicious.

The Prayer of Oscar Romero

2009-06-01T22:28:00.000-07:00

It has been a few days since coming back from chapter camp. It has been a few days to sleep, relax, and think. Yes, I admit I’ve been very lazy the past few days, but it’s given me time to process and digest all the events of the last week.

Firstly, I must say… in terms of endings, chapter camp was a great ending to a great year, but the events of the week made it seem more like a beginning then an ending.

I wanted to write a long, insightful blog about chapter camp and all that happened, but I feel like I’m all talked out. Well…not talked persay but I’ve done so much thinking, writing, praying, and yea talking about it that I don’t feel like that there’s much to say about it anymore. I guess if you really want to know more I’d be happy to have a conversation with you, but as for right now all I will say is that next year I will be leading at Unit 4 (aka Foothill, Stern, Bowles).

I did, however, want to share a poem…or prayer that was shared with me by a good friend during a good conversation. I’m not sure what he was thinking when he decided to share this poem, but I’m pretty sure he didn’t realize how much I would re-read it and think about it afterwards. (So if you’re reading this, thanks.)

The Prayer of Oscar Romero
It helps, now and then, to step back and take a long view.

The kingdom is not only beyond our efforts,
It is even beyond our vision.

We accomplish in our lifetime only a tiny fraction
Of the magnificent enterprise that is God’s work.
Nothing we do is complete, which is a way of saying
that the kingdom always lies beyond us.
No statement says all that could be said.
No prayer fully expresses our faith.
No confession brings perfection.
No pastoral visit brings wholeness.
No program accomplishes the church’s mission.
No set of goals and objectives includes everything.

This is what we are about,
we plant the seeds that one day will grow.
We water seeds already planted,
knowing that they hold future promise.

We lay foundations that will need further development.
We provide yeast that produces far beyond our capabilities.

We cannot do everything, and there is a sense of liberation
In realizing that. This enables us to do something,
And to do it very well. It may be incomplete,
But it is a beginning, a step along the way,
An opportunity for the Lord’s grace to enter and do the rest.

We may never see the end results, but that is the difference
Between the master builder and the worker.

We are workers, not master builders; ministers, not messiahs.
We are prophets of a future not our own.
Amen.

I can’t say I’m ready, but I’m waiting to be challenged, stretched, and shaken in ways I never have before…and boooooy am I excited. :]

Pissed Off

2009-05-20T21:12:00.000-07:00

Apparently some big 6th grader beat up my 4th grade brother.
I want to kick some 6th grade ass. Let's go.

Life's Good

2009-05-19T00:43:00.000-07:00

Yes indeed, the time has come.
For celebration! (TIME, CMON) :D

But really there is so many reasons for me to celebrate:

1. School is OUT! Finals are over and summer has officially begun...and it's on the 18th of May (okay technically it's the 19th since its past 12am right now, but that doesn't count). I can't believe I'm a 2nd year... I can't believe a whole year of college is already done. It's crazy. It feels like it JUST began.

2. NO MONO! or strep throat... I'm still pretty sick, but I've officially heard back from the lab that is neither of those 2 horrid sicknesses. I guess knowing that doesn't really help my aching throat and cough, but now that school is over I'll be getting more rest and hopefully that cures me right up. :]

3. Somehow, someway all my apartment/furniture/subletting/etc. stuff is working out. Idk, I stressed so much about all that shtuff and I keep forgetting how God always pulls through and that I can't rely on my own strength. Matthew 6:27 Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life? Not me, that's for sure

4. Kris Allen is the finale of American Idol. Now don't you judge me. I love American Idol, and even more than that I love Kris Allen. Too be he's married. :[ And too bad his wife is WAY TOO CUTE to hate. They're adorable together <3

5. Chapter Camp is next week! And I'm SO SO SO excited for it. End of story.

You should celebrate with me too :D

The Answer

2009-05-11T23:32:00.000-07:00

SCHOOL IS DONE! okay, well classes are done. I still have finals...but OFFICIAL school is done. I can't believe it.... I mean to write a more complete blog about the end of the school year, but not today. Today I must study for finals, which are FAST approaching. But, I did feel the great urge to post about a specific topic...

Did I ever tell you that the author of my Psych 1 book is a genius?
I actually REALLY enjoy reading my psych book...it has all these CRAZY life lessons that are so simple. Sometimes I'll be reading it and I'll say to myself, "OMG, that's SO true." And it's always to things that are....so obvious and simple, yet things that I've never heard expressed in words. There was a whole section about dating and relationships, and I have to say...it was better than any article I've read in any girl-magazine ever.

Other times I read facts about the great human mind that I have to stop and say..."Oh THAT'S why people are like that." or "OH, THAT'S why I do that." Well this post is about the latter. I have discovered the answer to all my problems (Okay, not ALL my problems, but you get mny drift) Here is the answer...from page 522 of Psychology 8th edition by David G Myers:

"The amygdala sends more neural projections up to the cortex than it recievs back. This makes it easier for our feelings to hijack our thinking than for our thinking to rule our feelings..."

So that's why I'm such a blubbering crazy person who gets so caught up in my emotions.

Stupid amygdala, I hate you.

Boys are Annoying

2009-05-02T12:37:00.000-07:00

There. I said it. Boy are SO so freaking annoying.

And what do I mean by that? Boys are annoying because...
they do stupid things to make me mad, and are so oblivious to it.
they say and do cute things, and are so oblivious to it.
they flirt with you, even though it means nothing.
they want to be friends, but they don't try.
they say that they don't like that girls aren't straight with them, and are so confusing, but they do the same things
they're high maintenance, prideful, and attention seeking
they help you forget about God.

hahaha, yes I know...this is a Katherine mini-rant. But really, don't waste your time trying to figure out which guy I'm talking about because in that list I'm thinking about 7 different particular guys.

But at the same time.....Girls are really annoying too, the way...
they treat each other with so little respect.
they are jealous about the dumbest things.
they way they aren't straight with each other.
they try to impress each other.

I guess, I've been really struggling to get rid of a particular label I had in high school: Katherine and her boys. If you went to high school with me, you understand. I think I was so sick and tired of being "one of the guys," not just hanging out with guys, but the implications of hanging out with them. In college I made a conscious effort to make close girl friends and to put them first. I was so tired of being associated with some guy or another at all times, even though we were nothing but friends. Or girls getting the wrong idea about me and a guy friend and then confronting me about it. I was so sick of coming off as a flirt, especially when I felt like I wasn't even flirting, I was just being friendly. I once complained about this to one of my best friends telling her I treat my close guy friends the way I treat my close girl friends, and she said to me, "Katherine, if you treated any guy the way you treat me, If I were him or anyone else I'd think there was something going on." Which, when I thought about it...was a true statement. So in college I, therefore, decided I was going to concentrate on having close sister relationships and not be associated in people's heads with guys....and I think I failed miserably. But I guess it was inevitable. People love to associate pairs together. haha I love to associate pairs together.

But the biggest thing, I guess, is that I get so darn confused about what is going on. I was talking to my love, Aileen, she said something very wisely :] . She said that every time she seems to start thinking about a guy she feels like God's saying, "Be patient, I have something greater prepared for you." Okay Idk if that is word for word, sorry Aileen if I butchered your quote. xD But you get the drift.

In short, learning to love the people around me as brothers and sisters is SO DARN HARD. People make it hard, but mostly I make it hard for myself.

Show me how to love like you, have loved me.
~Hosanna - Hillsong United

A Sunday Sabbath

2009-04-20T19:36:00.000-07:00

Yes, I know today is not Sunday...but I'm FINALLY DONE with midterms! w00t! and therefore I have time to blog again. I hope you've missed me. The last couple of blogs have been very depressing...but NOT TODAY!

So this year I've been learning a lot about the concept of a Sabbath, which is something I never really thought about too much before. When I thought of Sabbath I usually would just think of going to church on Sunday, but I've found that actually taking time to rest in God is very different from just going to church. Yesterday I had one amazing Sabbath, which was interesting because it was a portion of time that I could have been sleeping or studying, but instead of being stressed because of the time use prioritizing my time with God has been really rewarding.

Anyway, the real point of this blog is to share a little bit of my Sabbath with you through photographs. I hope that you do not look at these pictures as just photos of pretty things or as an testament to my photography skills...because I have no clue what I'm doing. All props to Nate and his awesome camera. I just point and shoot. Instead I hope that you understand, maybe not fully, but a little bit of my reasons behind doing this special Sabbath.

Lately I've been really reflecting on God's creation. How he created the world and everything in it. And how he created it so perfectly and wonderfully. But beyond that I've been thinking about how God created people, including myself. Sometimes I find it so hard to love the people around me and even more than that I find it so hard to love myself. Which sounds really weird, but lately I think that God's really been challenging me to grasp his words when he tells us that we are fearfully and wonderfully made as David sings in Psalm 139. In harsher terms, to not believe that I am not made purposefully is basically to tell God that he made a mistake. And that's pretty much blasphemy in Christian terms isn't it? To say that God isn't perfect, all-powerful...that he makes mistakes. So I've been trying to really look at myself in the way that God sees me.

In order to help myself out I decided to go on a little adventure on the beautiful campus of UC Berkeley and check out the beauty that God created in the world. Turns out there's WAY more SUPER COOL things just on campus then I thought cause I ended up spending about 2 hours walking around and looking at things...and I only got to a small part of south campus. SO hopefully I'll be able to do this again and finish up the rest of campus. But I swear, God's handiwork is crazy. If you need ever feel like you need to fall in love with God again, just stare at flower for about 10 minutes. Someone who can make something so beautiful is truly awe inspiring.

For more/larger pictures got to my facebook album

A Hopeless World

2009-04-07T02:25:00.000-07:00

So I know it's late, and I honestly have no idea why I'm still up... I really really should sleep, but I had the urge to write about something really quick before I hit the pillow. I'll try to keep this one short and sweet, but the key word here is try, my posts never turn out to be very short...no matter how hard I try.

So something that has been bugging me the entire day is a certain video clip that we watched in psych class this morning. I don't know how many of you have heard of the Milgram experiment. Basically, it was an experiment run by Stanley Milgram in the 60's that tested the obedience of humans to authority.
In short, Milgram tested normal everyday people to see if they would do horrendous things if pushed by authoritative figures.
In long: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Milgram_experiment
If you have no idea what I'm talking about, I hightly recommend that you read this wiki article about it.

In class today we watched a clip of a British tv show which imitated this experiment. The point of the tv show was that it was a reality show in which the host tested people with various experiments, etc to see if they could make everyday, ordinary people rob an armored truck. They used the Milgram experiment as one of the many experiments to test how the subjects would react towards convincing authority.

I've studied this experiment before, and have known about it for many years. In fact, in a psych class a couple years ago I watched the documentary on the Stanford prison experiment...if you don't know what that is read this: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Stanford_prison

As I was watching the video in class today I could feel myself reacting to it in a very similar way as I did when I watched the Stanford Prison video. I felt absolutely disgusting. I could feel my insides turning and I swear I was going to be sick. My stomach felt clenched up and spinning around at the same time, and I wanted to look away from the screen...but at the same time I couldn't stop watching. I can't remember the numbers exactly, but in this imitation experiment about half the subjects went to the highest level of shock...which basically would automatically kill a person. And every single subject went to a certain number of volts. Not one, even after feeling the painfulness of even the lowest number of volts stopped the experiment before it was "dangerous." One guy even asked why the voltage stopped. How come there wasn't even higher volts to shock the "learner" with.

I wish that I could say that if I were in that situation I would not shock the "learner" at all. But to say that would be completely arrogant. I mean, c'mon these were ordinary people, like me. And not a SINGLE one of them decided against shocking their partners.

Watching the video made me think about the horribleness of people and how weak we really are. It makes me wary of the people around me and what they are capable of doing. But at the same time it makes me really sad. This might have been just an experiment, but what about people like the Nazis? We're so quick to think that the Nazis were horrible, digusting people not fit to be called human beings, but how many of us in their shoes would have done the same thing? Honestly, the thought is heartbreaking.

Times like these I'm really reminded about how hopeless we are and what a hopeless world we live in. But, incredibly every day I see so much good in the world. Especially in Berkeley, people seem to care so much about the world around them and the people around them. It's really impossible to avoid the evils of the world, but I guess those evils make the good stand out so much more. Huh, I just realized this totally connects with last Friday's large group... about overcoming evil with good.

So what are we going to do about it?

Why God, Why?

2009-03-29T22:44:00.000-07:00

I've been doing my leadership reflection the last few days. For those of you who don't know what I'm talking about, my fellowship at school: Intervarsity (IV) assigned leadership reflections to each person who wants to be or is thinking about being a leader next year. The thing is someone told me that this leadership reflection is waaaay better than the huge application they had last year, but I'm not to sure. I've written pretty much an essay for each question, and the whole thing has been taking me HOURS to do. I haven't even done the second part of it yet, but I already have seven pages worth of shtuff...single-spaced.

But this long drawn out process has been frying my brain, but at the same time it's been so good. It's forced me to reflect on my entire year, and everything that's happened. And seriously this year has been so crazy. During the hours of doing my reflection I've thought about pretty much everything, from coming to school, meeting my first college friends, breaking up with my boyfriend, joining IV, and so so so much more. In fact, I've had to reflect on stuff from way back when, not even just stuff from this year. It's crazy how much things have changed since the last few days of summer. So many good things happened, but so many horrible things happened too. Things that I could do nothing but crawl into a ball and ask, Why God, Why?

I felt that way when I found out Raymond died, in the beginning of the year. I didn't know him very well, but I had friends that did. But still, I talked to him, had conversations. We were in the same party bus for prom. He was so real, and he was so close to my age. When he died my world shook. For me, it was less of the pain of losing someone, but the pain of having the people I love lose someone. For that someone to be so young with such a future ahead of him. For that person to be my friend's best friend. For him to die in a simple car accident. Everything about him dissappearing in an instant. And in that instant... for nothing to matter but whether or not he lived by Christ. You may disagree, but that's what I believe. For me that was a slap in the face. That car could have hit anyone, it could have been Raymond, my friend's best friend. It also could have been my best friend. It also could have been me. So what was I doing just sitting there, really not living by Christ and not planting seeds in others either.

Why am I bringing this up, so many months later? Well today I learned the news of Vincent. I didn't know Vincent. I never met him. But he knew many people from my home church. In fact, he went to highschool with someone really close to me, and was a good friend to that person. Yesterday, Vincent was shot and he died. Supposedly this incident was all over the news. When I came home from church my mom told me about it, and I had to tell her that I already knew about it... in fact, he was David's friend. Crazy, how you hear about these insane incidents in the news, but this time that news piece has to do with your life. I'm told that Vincent really loved. He was about to graduate from Berkeley, where I go to school. He had a great future ahead of him. He had a heart for the homeless and a heart for giving. He was greatly loved by those around him.

Isn't God supposed to be a God of Justice? We can't understand why these things happen. I hold onto God's plan and that there's a reason for everything, but it's so hard sometimes. But the crazy thing is, at church David not only asked us to pray for Vincent's family and friends, but for his murderer as well. And then he sang

Blessed be Your name
When the sun's shining down on me
When the world's all as it should be
Blessed be Your name

Blessed be Your name
On the road marked with suffering
When there's pain in the offering
Blessed be Your name

Every blessing you pour out Lord
I'll turn back to praise
When the darkness closes in Lord
Still I will say

Blessed be the name of the Lord.

God is still God, whether or not we understand.
This past year, I've had so many situations I didn't understand, though they may not be as extreme as this one.
I couldn't understand why I was a spring admit
I couldn't understand why I didn't get housing
I couldn't understand why I had to break up with my boyfriend
I couldn't understand why I was losing my high school friends
I couldn't undesrtand why I felt so insecure in my fellowship
I couldn't understand why I was struggling so much in school
and more and more
but why is it all about "I" anyway?
It's really about God and his incredible Grace isn't it?

Grace: God's Riches At Christ's Expense
think about it.

Self Image

2009-03-21T23:31:00.000-07:00

It's been a while. I've been so caught up in midterms and such, that even though I've been thinking about a lot of things... I haven't been able to blog about them. There were several things that I had been wanting to blog about, but it's not gonna happen. I can't go back and blog about thoughts that already happened. Which kinda sucks cause I wish I had. But now that it's spring break *w00tw00t* I finally have some time to sit and write.

Coming home yesterday was amazing. Got to see my family, got to eat delicious food, got to sleep and shower at home. But not everything was lovely. There was one thing in particular...

I knew it was coming. I could feel it for weeks and could see it all the time. I was dreading it, yet I managed to avoid thinking about it. But with those numbers that flashed on the little screen...there was no avoiding it. Yesterday I stepped off my scale and for the first time in my 18 year life I honestly felt fat.

I'm totally serious. I know most of you, if not all of you consider me a skinny little stick. And up until this point there was no denying it. But somehow my horrible eating habits and lack of exercise in college finally has caught up with my metabolism. Freshman 15 is really catching up to me.

I know that I've always thought that I needed to gain a little weight...I've been constantly told that I need to gain a little weight. Even to the point where I was sometimes embarrassed of my skinniness and envied girls with curves. I know guys can't exactly relate, but I'm sure you all have your body issues. But never in my life have I ever felt fat. This is a totally new experience for me...and to be honest I was...and still am in a bit of a shock. But more than anything the feeling of horror I felt wash over me as I looked down at my scale was more of a surprise than anything. I never thought that I would ever worry about my weight, but even more I never thought that I'd feel this horrible, ashamed, and pretty darn disgusting.

I never understood how girls could be so preoccupied about their weight. In fact, I used to wonder why anyone would really want to be as skinny as me...it kinda sucked being skinny. I don't think the downsides of being skinny really occur to anyone who isn't particularly underweight. You can't understand the embarrassment of being told you were supposed to be sitting in a car booster seat because you weren't over 60 lbs....in sixth grade. But now that I'm actually the weight of a normal healthy human being, I'm feeling the panic of weight that I never understood.

At 18, I'm supposed to be in the best shape, the best body of my life...instead of I feel positively horrible, sluggish, out of shape, and fat. And at the same time I feel disgusted with myself for it, because obviously I'm not even close to being overweight...I'm still verging on a proper normal weight.

But all the body issue mantras in the world aren't going to help me feel better in this moment. Who knew that self-image and body issues could be so earth-shattering? I guess we all did. We all care so much about the clothes we wear, the way we look, how our hair is styled, what other people think of our appearance. It's pretty much impossible to avoid it...and we are all our own worst critic.

So in the last 24 hours, I've been trying extremely hard to turn this mini freak out into something positive for me. I've gone from freaking out saying I NEED TO GO ON A DIET! to trying to figure out ways to be more healthy-ful in college. So here's so a little bit of accountability, feel welcome to remind me or encourage me in this endeavor to...

1. Eat more healthfully: No desserts except fruit and a treat once in a while, less carbs...or a not an excess amount, more fruits and veggies
2. Stop eating in excess: No more overeating, eat until I'm full, that's it
3. Get and stay in shape: Exercise at least every few days including running, swimming, and regaining some of those abs
4. Stop over analyzing my body and focus on being healthy, not skinny

Who knows if I'm actually gonna pull through, but I'm definitely gonna try. The first step to a good self-image is self-confidence isn't it?

Rejoicing

2009-03-07T14:13:00.000-08:00

Lot's of times I forget that God isn't asking us to move mountains. He asks us to trust that he will move mountains for us.

There's a story, I don't remember where I heard it or read it...maybe it was in one of those Chicken Soup books, but it's a story I'll always remember, but a lesson constantly forget.

The story tells of a man who goes for a walk everyday. One day he goes out to take a hike in the hills and he sees a man standing at the top of a hill just staring at the next hill over. The next day the first man goes out for another walk and again sees the same man staring at the hill. The third day the same thing happens, so the first man curious to what the other man is doing approaches him and asks, "What are you doing every day staring at that hill?" The man replies, "Well, God says that with his strength we can move mountains, so I'm praying that God will give me the strength to move that mountain." The first man watches the second man staring at the hill with all his might for a few more minutes and then says, "Go pick up a shovel and get to work. Then God will give you strength to move that mountain."

Ok, so the story was much more eloquent and well worded than that, but you get the point.
But, recently I was reminded of this story. I forget that God asks us to just plant the seed and water the ground, but only he can make the acorn grow into a giant oak tree. I take in my life and get so frustrated with what feels like my inabilities and inadequacies. As hard as I may try, there's seems to be so little I can do...I'm not content on only planting the seeds, I keep expecting to see oak trees. But you know, sometimes if we keep watering those plants or keep shoveling that mountain God gives us the opportunity to see the oak tree or the mountain moving.

Times like these I can do nothing but rejoice and stand in complete awe. Though being patient is so frustrating and even painful...when I can see God's work unfold before me, I'm absolutely amazed.

Just recently I was able to see a relationship that I've had with a good friend do just that. It was an extremely painful and testing friendship. One that I gave up on multiple times. Our friendship dealt with many instances that I was unable to forgive or let go. And this relationship was one of years and years, since junior high school. It was a relationship where I prayed to God to allow me to let go. I couldn't deal with the hurt and the frustration of it. I felt like my friend was someone that God could never touch. He was just too far out, his heart too cold, and his mind too closed off. But for some reason, God kept forcing us back into friendship. Every time I promised that this time was the last straw, that forgiveness was impossible, somehow God wouldn't allow me to let go. I wanted God to give this job to someone else. I couldn't be the only in my friend's life who could show him God's grace and love. I did my job, I planted the seed and watered it...I shoveled out a few scoops of dirt..and obviously there was no oak tree and no moving mountains. There was nothing more that I could do, but then I forgot it wasn't about what I could do. It was about what God was going to do.

And suddenly, before I realized something was changing...before I even realized God was working...the mountain has definitely moved over. I suddenly find my friend searching after something more, seeking after God's heart. He's asking questions and looking for answers. His heart isn't cold, but it's sucking up all the warmth it can get. And I'm astonished.

This person, that I long gave up on... God didn't give up on him. And I'm absolutely amazed...I can do nothing but rejoice. To worship God for his craziness...and to keep shoveling that dirt and watering that seed. I don't know how God knows exactly when we need that extra push, but he knows. For the first time in my own life I feel like God's really working through me. That I'm not just planting dead seeds...and I'm so thankful that this time he let me see the end result.

A wise friend told me, "It's not about your courage, but about your faithfulness."
And it's so true. It's not about what I can do, what my strength is...it's about constantly doing what God nudges us to do with the faith that he will make it grow.

(You know who you are :] And I hope that you don't mind that I wrote this about you. I left out your name JIC. Love ya!)

Rest

2009-03-05T09:54:00.000-08:00

Yesterday as I was eating my weekly lunch with a high school friend. Since we only see each other once a week, we usually ask each other how we've been, what we've been up to, etc. This week we were discussing midterms, of course, and the inevitable event that comes with midterms...no sleep.

As we were talking we agreed that in college there are 3 things that students do, however you can only pick two out of the three: Study, Play, Sleep
1. Study and Sleep: With this choice comes, "All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy."
People who make this lifestyle choice usually go crazy with the lack of fun. They are constantly studying, and though they are getting rest they feel like they are not...because they're never having fun.
2. Play and Sleep: My friend decided that this was him. His priorities were all out of whack, and though he was having a great time, his grades were suffering for it. He felt well rested, but was starting to get really stressed with all the work he fell behind in and needed to get his butt back into shape.
3. Study and Play: This is me. For the last few weeks I've been sleeping approximately 5 hours a night..sleeping at 2, 3 in the morning and waking up before the sun has officially come out for morning classes and volunteering. Basically I'm getting my work done, and I'm having fun...but can do neither of these things to the full extent of which I should..because I'm pretty much half asleep all day unable to function because I'm too tired.

Life is about balance, but especially as a college student I find it extremely hard to find this balance. Hopefully, by the time I graduate I'll find a system that works for me, but right now tbe system consists of no sleep... and basically I feel like crap all the time and have bipolar mood swings because my brain is going to fizzle any moment now. When I'm told to rest, to take a nap, or to go to sleep earlier (usually by my awesome roommate who is worried that I'm killing myself) all I can say is...I have too much stuff to do or I don't have time to sleep.

But the thing is, God pretty much orders us to rest.
Remember the sabbath day, to keep it holy. Exodus 20:8

I'm still constantly amazed at the ways God seems to communicate with me, but yesterday I was pretty sure God was trying to bang me over the head...I get to to small group and what is our passage of the week about? rest and the sabbath of course. And funnily, this is also the same passage I studied in my Mark seminar.

When Jesus' groupies picked the wheat off the stalks on the sabbath, the pharisees got all up in Jesus' grill about it. You're not supposed to do ANY work... even if you're really really hungry...which I'm presuming the disciples were, seeing as they were picking raw wheat and eating it while they were walking by. But as Jesus says in Mark 2:27: The Sabbath was made for man, not man for the sabbath.

So what does this mean for me? Well in both small group and in my seminar we talked about a bunch of things, but for me I felt like God was telling me two points.

1. God's got my back. Being able to rest is being able to trust that God will take care of me. God's gonna give me my daily bread. In a more extreme situation...he's not going to expect me searching for living water or spiritual bread if I'm physically dying of thirst and hunger. In the same way, God know's my physical needs...and he knows that I need rest. As another friend said to me yesterday...What's the point of doing well in school if you don't take care of your body? God knew how wacky us humans are...how we will work ourselves to death unless he said..HEY CHILL. Get some sleep. Take a break. Go read the Bible and pray. Stop stressing out and stop worrying so much. Trust me.

2. He also said: Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Matthew 11:28.
What's the point of resting? Is it just sleep? I definitely need more sleep, but I also need some good ol' spiritual rest. I've been so busy studying and working that any time I have to chill, I do it having fun. Besides that I'm too tired to do anything but sleep when I have any time to myself. I've found that the greatest obstacle for me to taking some time for devotionals, reading the Bible, or praying is that I have no time, I'm too tired, I fall asleep. So instead of just feeling physically exhausted, I'm pretty much spiritually drained. My cup hasn't been refilled lately, even though I know that God can make it overflow. I feel like God is giving me a gentle nudge...saying...HEY I'm right HERE. I can give you rest, but you're too tired to even see me and what I can do.

So aftter thinking about all this what did I do? Stayed up really late studying of course.

Yea, I know. I'm not perfect. And really it's hard to rest. While I'm resting I can't help being restless, thinking about all the things I need to get done and how little time I have. But I'm working on it...and I'm planning on sleeping until my body can't take it any more this weekend...After my midterm tomorrow. Ahhhhhhh. :p jaykay. not really.

Asian Invasion

2009-02-26T19:43:00.000-08:00

So today a very uncomfortable thing happened in Sociology discussion.

In soc we've been studying several subjects such as class inequality and race differentiation and such. I actually really like the class and enjoy lecture. I've always thought that such things were so much more real then math or science...I can apply it to real life, and I see it everyday. And seeing as I'm a social welfare major I obviously have a real interest in sociology.

The last lecture in soc was discussing an article about the LA riots, talking about the viewpoints of the Black-Korean conflict and the real undertones of class stratification and racism that are overlooked. I was really interested in this article because when do you ever get to read about Korean-Americans at school? (Outside of Asian-American Studies of course.) Whenever there are topics of race the overwhelming comparisons are of White and Black. Talking about the LA riots further sparked an interest in me because growing up in LA county I know personally family friends that were greatly affected by the riots. I know of one particular Korean family who pretty much lost everything they had in the riots. Even though I was only a baby when the riots happened...they still touched my life in a slight if not invisible way.

Today in discussion we were going over this article. After my partner and I presented the question that we were supposed to discuss and answer, I have to admit I only paid half attention to the rest of discussion. I was listening but I was looking at my paper, scrolling around on my computer, and playing with a nasty hangnail I had on my finger (I know, disgusting... xD) But during all of this my GSI started talking about Asian-Americans, or more specifically Korean-Americans. I don't remember exactly word for word what he was saying (it's times like these where I wished I could record my life) but he said a few things that he meant well, but could be taken the wrong way. But then he said, but I'm not Asian (he's from Israel) so I don't know, correct me if I'm wrong.

At this point I realize that there is an awkward tension in the room and look up...and realize he was addressing me the entire time. Well, he was addressing the entire class, but he was looking right at me, one of two Asians and the only Korean in the room...And the other students were giving me awkward sideways glances, obviously noticing that he was addressing me as well.

Once I registered what he was saying I could feel myself turning red and pretty much stammered, "Wh..wh..what? Are you talking to me?" I quickly looked at everyone sitting around the table...they were all staring at me with looks of confusion and...looks of (the only way I can describe it is as the guy sitting next to me whispered) Oh no he didn't!

It was now my GSI's turn to turn red and stammer, "Oh oh, no I don't mean to put you on the spot. Anyone can answer" and quickly turn to look at everyone else.

At this point all I'm thinking is, What the heck just happened? He obviously didn't mean to say anything that was racist, but I know that his well meaning words could have been taken entirely the wrong way. In fact, after class the same guy who was sitting next to me told me he thought I was going to angry or insulted by what my GSI said to me, and from the looks of everyone else they didn't look to sure of how I was going to react either.

After class my GSI (whom, for the record, I actually really like) came up to me and apologized. And then we talked about Asian-American representation in education material, and the pressure that educators now have to expand such topics to include other races. Especially at a school like Berkeley where the population is a majority of Asians.

Once I walked out of the classroom I could do nothing but laugh, but the whole event completely caught me off guard. I know that my GSI, who is a totally nice person, wasn't being racist or insulting...he just had bad wording which I totally give him credit for, being as English is definitely not his first language. But living in CA, situations like these come so rarely.

I'm constantly surrounded by other Asians, most of my friends are Asian. There was that whole big dealio about Miley Cyrus aka Hannah Montana was racist against Asians because she was taking pictures with chinky eyes. But honestly I was surprised that many of my classmates immediately caught on to what they believed were racist undertones in my GSI's unassuming words. I was grateful that he immediately apologized for anything that may have accidently said, but it made me think...

What if he had meant it? I mean, what if he said something so completely insulting and horrible and totally meant to be hurtful? People say those kinds of things all the time. People are judgemental and have preconceived notions about everyone else. It's not only in racism, sometimes people just have bad first impressions...I've learned not to trust my first instincts with people. Some of the most amazing people have to be given the benefit of the doubt.

But how do we, as a whole, learn to love people and accept people without knowledge of who they really are? It seems like our brains are wired to immediately give people a look over, talk to them for five seconds and immediately gage their looks, intelligence, and personality.

I don't know the answer to these questions, and right now I can't even think of good suggestions to pose. But if I could only learn to look at people the way God sees them. He made each of us in his image and made us each perfectly the way we're supposed to be, so who are we to say the way someone is is the wrong way?

Enough

2009-02-19T17:46:00.000-08:00

So lately this song has been really speaking to me...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aHEm-b4IRYk

It's called Enough... a really old song by Chris Tomlin. The chords of it consist of the only 5 chords I know on the guitar :] so I've been playing it over and over...

The thing about this song though is every time I sing it to myself, it sounds like a lie. Instead of "You are more than enough for me," in my heart I'm actually thinking, "I know you are more than enough for me, but I can't help wanting other things."

I wish, wish, wish that God satisfied me with his love, but instead of searching after God...I search after other things. And though I know that I'll never be satisfied with anything besides God, my life never seems to revolve around him. When I'm singing that song, I'm praying that the lyrics come true, but lately I've been so unsatisfied and discontent.

Maybe it's because there has been so much on my mind lately, and I've been so stressed out about a variety of things...from academics and future goals to boys and relationships. Even as I pray and try to lift my struggles up to God, I'm so discontent.

I was talking to somebody yesterday and she said that sin is always something good that is taken to an extreme and therefore made bad...and that people always talk about how the Bible is full of contradictions, yet people can't see that it is about balance. I think that that is so true. But then I think about all the things I want so badly, or hope and dream of...whether they are reasonable wishes or not...and even they are things that are good, the extreme focus I have on them totally transform what they are meant to be.

Boys, for example, are good. :] sike. I mean relationships are good. God didn't mean for us to be solitary people. He made us man and woman and told us to go forth and multiply. He created us emotionally and spiritually to love one another and created us physically with a wide variety of annoying hormones. My parents always told me that I should pray for whoever my future husband is, because even if I haven't even met him, he's existing somewhere on this Earth (hopefully) and God's watching over him just as much as he's watching over me.

But honestly, (as the same girl who said those wise things about sin said) I wish that all those feelings, emotions, and hormones! could just be turned off until the perfect moment. Of course that's not going to happen, but honestly this stuff is so frustrating! And it also proves to me how wishy washy I am...what I mean by that is boys honestly make me lose my focus on God. In any sort of relationship (both real and in my head, aka one-sided crushes) I've been in, I've proven to myself that I concentrate so hard on that relationship that God no longer is my God. I guess for some people money or fame or whatever is their idols, but for me it becomes guys...and then God definitely doesn't become "enough for me."

I love that facebook bumper sticker that says, "A woman's heart should be so lost in God that a man needs to seek him in order to find her." To find a guy who is more in love with God than he is in love with me, seems so weird yet so right at the same time...and I think I'm okay with waiting for this to happen. And for those of you who know about my pro-singleness, girl-power attitude, this is why.

So, what do you think? What is your stance of relationships and God? Actually, this is something I've talked to with a lot of people lately... but I'm still interested in hearing what people think.

More than all I want
More than all I need
You are more than enough for me
More than all I know
More than all I can see
You are more than enough for me

Take a DEEP Breathe

2009-02-17T00:05:00.001-08:00

I love Berkeley, but I need a breather. Let's just go home...fooor reals.
Can't wait until Friday, finally get to take a break.
Life is just way too rollercoaster-y.

Happy Singles Appreciation Day <3

2009-02-14T01:01:00.000-08:00

As the title of this blog implies, it is Valentines Day! :D

Unlike many single people I actually don't find Valentines Day depressing at all. Maybe it's because I've never celebrated a <3 day with a significant other...so I don't have anything to miss...haha no clue, but I have so much fun helping other people romance their significant others...which I got to do twice this year! :] I think it's the cutest thing. Speaking of cutest things..THIS SONG is the CUTEST song EVER.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=D55m7QDaGrk

I have already have it all pictured in my head, my future boyfriend playing this song on the guitar and singing it to me. Isn't it funny how guys with good voices automatically are 10x more attractive. (I know, I'm being shallow...but it's true!) Irene promised me that she'd secretly tell whoever I date next to sing it for me. :] hahaha *sneaky* I know. But c'mon... no guy is actually going to do something like that unless someone else spells it out for them. (Just kidding guys! I know you guys can be cute and creative)

But anyway, this day is supposed to be celebrating love! ;] Even at the preschool I went to this morning they were preparing for a Valentines Day party...all the kids brought those ADORABLE cards...that people make big bucks out of...you know which ones I mean...the ones with Princesses...or Transformers. And during coloring time, all the cute kiddies wanted me to draw hearts for them on nice pink paper.

But for reals, a holiday just for LOVE. When you really think about it, it's such a happy thing. I can see why would be sad not to have a significant other during this time...but I don't know, there's so many different kinds of love. Love in relationships, in family, in friends... and of course the greatest love of all: the Love of God! And hey, why can't you celebrate those loves too?

Of course...I'm super happy about it all now... just talk to me tomorrow and I'll be bitter about having to write a paper on Valentines Day...stuck in the library all day, how sad. But, whatcha gonna do? Life goes on...and so does homework.

Anyway, I hope those of you who are out celebrating with your significant other have an awesome time...and I hope those of you who are single enjoy your singleness...cause honestly, that's fun too. :]

And I can't believe, uh that I'm your man,
And I get to kiss you baby just because I can.
Whatever comes our way, ah we'll see it through,
And you know that's what our love can do.

And in this crazy life, and through these crazy times
It's you, it's you, you make me sing.
You're every line, you're every word, you're everything.

Reality TV

2009-02-03T00:23:00.000-08:00

I wish I could record my life and watch it back. Like no kidding, I want a video camera following me at all times. Hahaha, no not like that. I'm not THAT vain, I promise. But picture this if you could watch yourself as a third person, see the way you act, talk, interact, live...how amazing would that be. You could reflect on moments of importance, replay moments of great joy or great sorrow and really examine life. You would be able to remember life as it was and not as how our mind twists memories...as I learned in Psych 1.

It's always the worst thing when I'm trying to remember a conversation and replay it word for word in my head, but I just can't...or when I see something I never want to forget, and then I blink...and it's gone.

I guess it would take way too much time to watch life, in fact it would take a whole other lifetime. But sometimes I feel like it'd be so worth it. Just to be able to take a glimpse at my life in another perspective, to see what my face looks like with the passing of emotion.

Today in my psych reading there was a blurb about a girl whose brain was damaged and could no longer recognize faces. She could look at a face, even her own in the mirror, and describe it physically, but she couldn't recall who the face belonged to. I found that story absolutely heartbreaking. Imagine looking at a picture of yourself and not knowing who it was...

I love photographs, if I could afford to I would buy one of those hardcore super nice cameras and just take gazillions of pictures. I love it when I see something and just imagine taking a photograph of it...and it's just perfect. Now only if I could figure out a way to get a camera in my head...to video tape everything I see and do.

On a random note...I really, really, really want to go to the zoo...and to the botanical garden, which is much closer. Someone volunteer to take me? :D

The Power of Prayer

2009-01-31T02:58:00.000-08:00

The Power of Prayer...now isn't that something people talk about all the time. There are tons of sermons about prayer and their are tons of testimonies about prayer. You hear of miracles and stories all the time. Well, at least in the Christian community you do. I hear these stories all the time, even from people I know personally, like close friends...but to be honest I can't say that I've experienced first hand that sort of story or miracle. Sure, I've had instances...say a couple years later where I look back and see that somehow prayers had been answered, but I can not think of an particular moment where I went, "AHA! This is God's answer to my prayers."

I feel like the power of prayer is something that is hard to grasp unless you've felt it firsthand. No matter how many people tell you about it, no matter how much you see it in other people...If you don't see it in yourself, well you feel like you're missing out. You don't really understand what the fuss is all about.

In short, my prayer life, as of late has dwindled down to a fizzle... actually not even that, pretty much down to nothing. Even with my New Year Goal of having a more prayerful life, it just didn't happen. I think it was a combination of a lot of reasons including lack of motivation and laziness, but one thing that struck me today was my anger with God. I felt like God just didn't answer my prayers... not even that God doesn't answer prayers, because I see him answer the prayers of people around me all the time...just that God didn't answer MY prayers.

After the initial relief of coming back to school, this semester has been steadily declining. I'm not really comfortable in getting into the messy details, but in short I've been a very bitter melon as of late. Basically my spiritual life fizzled down to nothing, but strangely enough large group today struck a chord inside of me.

The reason why this is so strange is mainly because I've been thinking about leaving IV large group. I've been feeling emptiness and lack of growth. Going to large group has been feeling shallow and pointless. But today the topic was on prayer. Leaving out intimate details...during the sermon I very uncomfortably started tearing up and sniffling. At first I was like what the heck, this is sorta kinda embarrassing and I didn't even know why I was crying...but as the sermon finished and praise and prayer began I found myself praying honestly for the first time in many, many weeks.

Now skipping a few hours, coming back to my room with my roommate getting ready for bed at about two in the morning I sat down and began writing out a prayer. I think that this is the first time that I've realized that prayer, like praise, doesn't have to be in a certain way. Just like praise and worship doesn't have to be music and singing, prayer doesn't have to be closing your eyes, bowing your head and saying or thinking words. That just puts me to sleep after about one minute, making prayer even harder to do. But after a prayer in writing I looked at the time, and it had been almost an hour...which is pretty amazing seeing as usually I can pray at most for less than five minutes. And afterwards, which is now, I feel and unusual peace...not because I feel like I've received an immediate answer to my prayer, but because I've been able to come clean with God and really talk to him. And that is another aspect of the power of prayer that I've just realized.

My question, after all this talk, is for those of you who do pray, how do you pray? And for those of you who don't believe in prayer, I would love to discuss (or debate) prayer, it'd be super interesting to hear your points of view. And for those of you who need prayer, maybe you'd like me to drop you an extra line with God, and it wouldn't hurt for you to put in a good word for me as well.

Hope

2009-01-19T00:04:00.000-08:00

Yesterday I came back to Berkeley, and to be honest...the relief of being back was pretty overwhelming. I talk to people about their breaks and it seems like most people are glad to be back, but they miss home. Don't get me wrong, I love home and I love being with my family...but at Berkeley I feel like I can breathe.

In high school people would tease me about coming to college and letting loose. In fact, I got some people close to me who let me know about their sincere concerns of having too much freedom in college. Coming out of a stereotypical Asian family and living a stereotypical PK (pastor's kid) life, some people thought that I would be sucked into the sudden freedom of it all.

In my head I scoffed at those people who expressed such worries. I knew I had a good head on my shoulders. But now I've realized that many of my "good" choices, once coming into college, have had little to do with having a "good head on my shoulders" and more to do with pride.

This winter break I had a couple combined experiences of my pride being thrown back in my face with the realizations of how independent I am, to a fault. I've always prided myself on my independence and scorned people who, I felt, were babied or needy. In college, many of my decisions were made not truly for the sake of making the right decision, but to prove to everyone else that I could make the right decision by myself.

I always one-sidedly believed that my parents had an ironic way of raising me. Expecting me to do my own paperwork, figure out my own loans, talk to important adults for them, get good grades while at the same time expecting me home before 9 or 10 on the few Saturdays they let me out. I learned to deal with problems myself because how could I talk to my family about boys when I wasn't allowed to date. And in a perverse way I prided myself in learning how to lie and prided myself in never getting caught.

So why the heck am I getting so personal? This was the best way I could think of to dive head first. I've come to hate sharing such...personal baggage I guesss you could say and learning to depend on others sometimes is for me a big step to learning to depend completely on God.

Reading God's best seller today. :] Romans 5:3-5 caught my attention. I encourage you to look it up for yourself because it definitely gave me hope. Btw, shoutout to Gregohree for asking me if I was keeping up with my reading. It gave me some instant re-thinking. Gracias.

And All is Relative

2009-01-09T15:08:00.000-08:00

So last night I came back to San Diego from the beautiful city of Irvine...and boy is that one sparkly clean city. I had amazing fun with the BFF, Sarah <3 and spent some awesome time with other friends of note :] but there was one really big downside to this trip. Food poisoning. YEP that's right I traveled all the way to the great city of Irvine only to experience dorm food that treats me even worse than Cal's.

The thing is UC Irvine's food is not bad at all. In fact, in taste I'd say it is better than Crossroads or Foothill. *For those who have no idea, those are Dining Commons at Berkeley* I have to admit I whine periodically about the grossness and oilyness and fattiness of the food at Crossroads where I regularly eat...but I will try, to the depths of my soul to never complain again. Though...I doubt that will happen...but honestly after experiencing Pippin at Irvine? The place is dreary, dimly lit, and extremely claustrophobic. You can't turn around without crashing into another person...and THEY HAVE NO TRAYS!

You don't think that no trays is a big deal, but about once a month at Cal we have trayless dining days... and EVERYONE hates trayless days. We all whine and moan about having to get up multiple times to get plates, cups, and utensils because there are no trays to carry everything at once.

And to top it off...Yes Crossroads has given me stomachaches..but never...never had I had to barf up my entire meal.

This got me thinking, boy am I one spoiled brat. I mean C'MON!

Gavin Degraw sings it well:

A flashlight
Isn't quite sunlight
But any light at all seems bright
When you're looking in the dark

And all is relative
Eveything is relative
Yes, it is

It's all about
The way we receive it
How much we believe it
Depending on the life you lead
If you lead it
Compare it to yourself
Compared to someone else
You care

And if you took
The threads in your closet
The cash in your wallet
The color of the skin in your blood
And how you got it
Compare it to yourself
Compared to someone else
You care

Yes I realize I took out a whole part of the verse...but I thought it was quite inappropriate...though funny. If you have no idea what I'm talking about go listen to the song.
Listening to that song the first time hit me hard, but I guess really not hard enough. I really forget how lucky I am...or not even lucky, how blessed I am.... but I guess we all do. It takes putting myself in other people's situations to remember it. So next time before I whine about something as stupid as being able to eat food, maybe I'll think about what I'm saying.

On another note:
This darn food poisoning has made me lose weight! I know some people would kill to lose weight but all I can think about it, MY CLOTHES DON'T FIT! haha jaykay. All is Relative...

A Reflection

2009-01-04T23:32:00.000-08:00

Yes...I know it's already Jan 4th..in fact by the time I finish writing this it'll probably be Jan 5th because its past 11:30 PM already. And yes I know I already wrote a blog welcoming 2009, but I have yet to say goodbye to 2008.

I'm only 18. Almost 18 1/2 :D but I have to say looking back on my 18 years there are definitely years that stick out greater than others. Of course there are memories, both good and bad, that stick out but in terms of years there are definitely years that were more life changing than others...not that each year wasn't life changing. I guess I mean that there are some years that have made more obvious, clearly defined impacts. 2008 was one of those years. A year to remember.

Dear God, Thanks for giving me the best year of my life thus far. It was a year of definite growth physically, emotionally, and spiritually. During 2008 I discovered so much about myself, and therefore discovered that there is still so much to uncover. 2008 was a year of great highs and great lows, definitely a roller coaster year. A year of firsts and a year of lasts. A year of letting go and creating anew. A year that has made me excited for the years to come.

An Epic Adventure

2008-12-31T18:49:00.000-08:00

So I know that my last post implied that I wanted this blog to be meaningful and thought provoking...but often times it is the really really RANDOM things that are more fun and interesting. So here's is to my first randomly fun and entertaining illustrated with pictures blog. :D

So Irene and I decided that for our biffle bonding session we would bake scrumptious desserts...so we worked hard all day and baked this:
JAY KAY. I can not take credit for that masterpiece...that was friggin delicious. That was made by a family friend as a gift...and omg, it is B-E-A-Utiful!

Irene and I...well we took about an hour to pick out 3 recipes that we wanted to make
1. Cheesecake!
2. Cheesecake Brownies!
3. Snickerdoodles!

The plan was to pick out recipes and then drive out to a supermarket to buy whatever we needed since I had most stuffs like flour, sugar, and all that at home. SO we figured we needed cinnamon, unsweetened chocolate, pie crust, and measuring utensils...since I took mines to Berkeley and didn't bring them back home... But sadly we had the realization that my brother took one car to SF, my mom took another car to the Korean market, and my dad's car is so old and crappy that my parents refuse to let me drive it out of fear for my life. So Irene and I had to go out on foot, make some phone calls and go on a scavenger hunt to...

Sarah's for measuring cups

Kaylee's for Cinnamon..and SEEING HER AUNT'S ADORABLE PUPPY!
And a failed trip to Quick Stop :[ So we had to give up on the cheesecake. Tragic.

But we successfully and masterfully baked some delicious Cheesecake Brownies and Snickerdoodles! Which I would have pictures to show you...except for the greatest disaster of our adventure (besides some of the cookies we had to throw away because they got burned to crisp)

So Irene and I decided we wanted to make an exciting blog of our epic adventure...and so took the memory card out of her camera and stuck it in my computer...it turned out to be too small...and it got stuck. We used all sorts of tools and even called Martin, our computer expert...but to our sadness... it looked like we had to take my poor laptop apart...UNTIL the HERO aka my dad swooped in and saved the day!All in all a succesful day of baking. With its share of drama, of course. On a side note...this is the funniest thing ive seen in a LONG TIME. Watch it, you will NOT regret it!

Helllloooo TWO THOUSAND and NINE

2008-12-29T10:45:00.000-08:00

Seems like lots and lots of people have been writing blogs lately, and I thought, Why not jump on this bandwagon? JAY KAY I have to admit, since the days of LiveJournal and Xanga, making public journals or diaries have been a struggle for me... I mean, why the heck would I want to make public my deep dark secrets? For me, xanga turned into basically a photo album...but we now have Facebook for that. So after struggling for a while, since the beginning of the semester actually, of why or why not I should get a blog... here's why I finally made the jump.

1. I am SO BAD at staying in touch... really I never thought that I would be the one to lose touch with my dear friends... but it turns out once the business of life hit me, it was really hard to fine good blocks of time to really catch up with people. I had a big wake up call when one of my close friends (Scoot that's you, feel special) discovered, over this winter break, that he had my phone number on his phone wrong. He tried to text me... and it turns out the lady he texted called him back because he sent her some really freaky text... don't ask, I'm not the one sending freaky texts to people. ANYWAY, this is turning verbose (ooo SAT word) so in short he's had a new phone for months and in all this time we never called each other so we never discovered that he didn't have my number... but a BLOG *tada* seems like a good way for people to take a peek at what's going on in my life.

2. I have this online journal thingy, but it's more of an emotional rant page. I rarely update it...and it's completely private (sorry guys) and I write in it during my extreme highs and lows to get my emotions out. But I've always wanted to restart (cause I used t0 be really good about this) writing a daily journal..which a WONDERFUL person (aka Sarah Lee <3) gave me for Christmas... which I resolved to start writing in every day. So if I got that emotional buffer and journal taken care of, what the heck is this for? Well, it's for you! Kinda. Here I can talk about stuff, think about stuff and get some response or feedback... I LOOOVE LOVE LOVE having deep, insightful conversations with random people and hearing what other people have to say. So please do leave deep, insightful comments... or even just stupid, funny ones. :D

3. And last, but not least accountability...which is actually the reason for this entry today...which it seems I haven't even gotten to the point yet... well as you read on you will see what i mean :]

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So yesterday was Sunday, the very last Sunday of 2008. *OH MY* and at church we did this little activity called....*drumrooooollll* GOALS FOR THE YEAR! haha yea I know, how cliche.
But I liked that David phrased them GOALS and not NEW YEAR'S RESOLUTIONS...because I'm good with goals, but I epic fail at New Year's Resolutions... and this year I'm writing these out in public for ALL TO SEE...so that I keep myself accountable and so that YOU, yes YOU, can help me out as well. And this year I'm going to push myself because as David pointed out...the great and illustrious HOMER SIMPSON once said, "Trying is the first step to failure."

BTW, as a side note: I LOVE QUOTATIONS...and this is why:
"I love quotations because it is a joy to find thoughts one might have, beautifully expressed with much authority by someone recognized wiser than oneself. "
~Marlene Dietrich

Anyway back to business:
KATHERINE KIM'S GOALS FOR 2009!

Spiritual Goals
1. Read the entire Bible this year. I found this intense One Year Bible Reading Plan online and reading the Bible has always been a struggle for me...but thinking about it...the whole of Christianity is based upon the writings in this book...and if I haven't even read the book, why do I belive what I do?
2. Pray everyday. Make it a priority, not something I do before I sleep or eat...or something I just stick in when I have time.
3. Trust God. When I am afraid, I will trust in you. Psalm 56:3 Something I struggle with every day, learning to rely on God, and not my own strength.

Academic/Career Goals
1. Stop Procrastinating...especially with studying for tests and writing essays. It's a viscious circle I tell you...absolutely viscious.
2. Be more organized. In high school nobody would believe me that I had a messy room... I guess I always seemed like one of those super organized, super neat people...but I've always been secretly messy and it gets pretty out of control...I lose papers and all that stuff. I guess in college its not so secret because people actually see my dorm...but still. I need to get organized!
3. Focus on a major and think about careers. This is pretty self-explanatory. I NEED TO CHOOSE A MAJOR!

Personal Goals
1. Excercise a couple times a week/get into shape. Now that I will finally have RSF, and my foot is almost completely healed... NO EXCUSES. Say GOODBYE Freshman 15! Actually I lie... I have to admit there is no such a thing as Freshman 15 in Katherine's extremely freaky metabolism world...but honestly I'm so out of shape... I no longer have any muscle to speak of and I can't even touch my toes. D;
2. Spend less money on unecessary things. I spent WAY WAY too much money...as a broke college student I really have no excuse... I just need to STOP spending so much darn money!
3. Make friends outside my comfortable circles, especially at school. I hate it when people get intensely cliquey and uninclusive... but I found that with everyone trying to rush to make friends 1st semester, I got really comfortable with a few people and then closed myself off from everyone else and I missed out on making friends with some amazing people.

So there it is, Katherine Kim's Goals for 2009! I CHALLENGE YOU to bother me about any of these items...and don't let me make excuses. GIve me that evil glare and tell me to pick it up! :D

I'm sorry that this blog entry got so long and wordy, but HEY I had a lot to say. SO if you read this ENTIRE THING, you get a GOLD STAR from me.

HAPPY NEW YEARS everybody! Goodbye 2008 and HEEEEEELLOOOOO 2009!